Happy Thanksgiving from Sarah Palin, who was interviewed about the election as live turkeys were stuffed face first down the de-header. Key messaging point: Sarah’s super relieved to give an interview that won’t invoke criticism.

There are some people who love a good pasta sauce, and then there are those who LOVE a good pasta sauce. Police in the town of Newcastle, New South Wales recently arrested Keith Roy Weatherley, 46, a man who counts himself in the latter, all caps category.

Officers first thought Weatherley to be suspicious when they spotted him in his car that happened to be parked in a no standing zone, fumbling around with what they suspected could be a weapon. Their hunch was spot on… depending on your definition of weapon.

The police soon realized that the firearm in question was the suspect’s own genitalia and the fumbling motion was the dipping of his naughty bits into a jar of pasta sauce. Before they really knew what to do about the situation, the cops found themselves in hot pursuit of the pleasure seeker’s car for what amounted to a 20km chase. When they finally pulled the perv-petrator over, he refused to exit his car on account of the jar surrounding his junk. It ultimately took four officers, a little baton work and capsicum spray to bring him to justice.

Despite the kicking and screaming Weatherly was able to find sometime to continue pleasuring himself through the struggle. Now that’s what I call dedication.

In a tragic and disturbing set of events, a 19-year-old from Florida has died while streaming his suicide live over the internet.

Using the site Justin.tv, Abraham K. Biggs posted a suicide note, overdosed on pills, then was watched by hundreds as he took his last breath.

Many thought it was a joke, and some members of the forum even egged him on via comments. Biggs had posted a suicide note online before he took the pills that conveyed a general sense of disappointment with life, but the suicide did not seem to be motivated by any online cyber-bullying he may have received.

A handful of forum members alerted authorities to the overdose, but it was mainly disregarded as some sort of act or online stunt. Finally, hours into the streaming, paramedics and police broke into his house and unsuccessfully attempted to revive the teen–all of which was also streamed online.

Attorney General Michael B. Mukasey collapsed last night during a speech at the Federalist Society’s annual dinner at a northwest Washington hotel. Reportedly, Mukasey was visibly shaking, started to slur his words, then collapsed into the arms of a man nearby. The dinner’s attendees blocked him from cameras view until he was rushed off to the hospital.

Mukasey was given a clean bill of health near midnight EST, and was released from the hospital at 7am this morning. A Justice Department spokeswoman, Gina Talamona, said that “The results are in. Everything looks great… he’s in good shape.” Talamona went on to say that “there’s no indication that he suffered a stroke or any heart-related incident. It really appears to be a fainting spell.” We’re glad.

Now that he’s feeling better, Mukasey can go back to writing warnings on cigarette packs, pissing off anyone who wants to give civil rights to suspected terrorists, and counting the days until he’s no longer responsible for the most unlawful administration since Nixon.

This is the story of a stand-up dude, and a lesson for wedded embezzlers the world over. After what seems like the longest two-week divorce settlement in history, director Guy Ritchie is finally free from the clutches of his skeletal, Kabbalah-banging pop tart of an ex-wife, Madonna.

Amid rumors of the material girl’s torrid affair with superjock Alex Rodriguez, speculation surrounding Ritchie’s integrity as a man had many—including gay icon Madge herself—believing that his intentions in ending the marriage were financial, but this British badass put his proverbial middle finger in the air and said ‘thanks, but no thanks’ to the millions lawfully entitled to him in the settlement.

Perhaps in an effort to bury the hatchet and prove himself more than just another lowly gold digger, Richie walked with his own earnings and made sure to demand no less than joint custody over the couple’s three children. It appears that for the time being, Lourdes (12), Rocco (8) and David (3) will do a lot of jet-setting between New York and London under an amicable joint custody agreement. Side note: we can’t wait until their socialite status is realized.

If the movies of the 1980’s taught us anything, it’s that the only way to save an endangered apartment complex or teen rec center from evil land developers is to hold a mind numbingly awesome fundraiser featuring break dancing moves a la Turbo and Ozone or some raspy pop rock sung by someone Demi Moore-ish in stature. Unfortunately, a man in the town of Bishopstoke near Southampton in England never got this memo.

David Phyall, a 50 year old resident facing eviction from his apartment of eight years at the hands of the First Wessex Housing Group Ltd, chose to take matters into his own hands. Instead of planning an inspirational get together to warm the hearts and change the minds of those giving him the boot, he chose to plot his own gruesome death… by chainsaw.

The former resident of a one bedroom flat in the complex had apparently received 11 offers from the company of a new home, but rather than relocate like the rest of the building’s inhabitants, he decided that it would be more sensible to rig his Black and Decker (they love this sort of product placement) Chainsaw on a timer so that when it went off it would saw his head off. The plan almost worked, for when police happened upon the horrific scene they found the blade had cut three-quarters of the way through his neck. Call me crazy, but I’ll take relocation of my house over relocation of my head any day.

While most Americans don’t often find the need to apologize for doing their jobs right, one starry-eyed escort found that her talents led her to the painful truth that she had hurt someone’s feelings.

Ashley Alexandra Dupre, who notoriously boned former New York governor Eliot Spitzer, says that the day she realized that her client was resigning due to the discovery of their liaison, she felt remorse for the pain experienced by Spitzer’s wife Silda. This prompted an apology from the Spring-2008-famous call-girl: “I’m sorry for your pain.” She offered no apology for the pain inflicted on the former governor himself, which was apparently requested specifically during their encounters.

In elaborating on her meetings with Spitzer, Dupre said that he was not interested in conversation, unlike her other clients who found her perspectives on literature, philosophy and current events to be fascinating. She described him as “strictly business,” treating the experience as a transaction and Dupre as somewhat of an object, to the prostitute’s surprise and dismay. Little other detail was offered by Dupre except that Spitzer dressed casually apart from a sash bearing the word ‘Governor,’ which he refused to take off.

Dupre has decided to leave her career as a lady of the evening, and plans on making a smooth transition into music, fashion, and “writing books,” which publishers are already speculating will top best-seller lists in the high-profile-prostitute-politician-encounter-tell-all genre upon release.

That’s over 4.5 million LEDs, thankyouverymuch.

Read about it here.

When I first heard five year old Milan Simon Tuttle could really dribble, my first reaction was to think, “There’s only so much pride a kid can take in their own drool.” Much to my surprise– and the surprise of many a fan of the fundamentals of hoops–nobody was applauding the kid’s slobber prowess, just her supernatural b-ball handling skills. The kid can flat out bounce with the best of ‘em.

The talented tyke, not content to show off a mastery of moves with merely one ball at time, takes on as many as three roundballs and puts on quite the clinic. Hopefully, the WNBA hangs around long enough for this girl to become a bona fide superstar.

Did you know that Facebook isn’t just a way for you keep track of your 500 friends, or stalk your ex-boyfriend, or develop OCD, or get fired from your job, or embarrass your parents… but also a way to keep updated on celebrity gossip?

Luke Worrall (ya, we’d never heard of him either), recently updated his Facebook relationship status to “engaged to Kelly Osbourne.” The 24-year-old Osbourne has been dating 18-year-old Worrall for 6 months. Good thing the legal drinking age in England is 18, otherwise one might speculate that he’s just marrying up to get someone to do his booze shopping for him. Ahaha… Kidding!

Congrats to the couple if the engagement is legit– and a pox of STDs if this is just a stupid publicity stunt.