Who gets away with seven million dollar gifts? The King, that’s who—or maybe not.

Sources are saying that the former King of Pop, 50 year old Michael Jackson, is tied up in a new lawsuit with Arab Sheik Abdulla bin Hamad Al Khalifa over whether or not a series of payments totaling seven milli were either fronted as gifts or as advances on a recording contract. Safe to say that each party’s side of the story is pretty different, and it totally do matter if they’re black or white.

Al Khalifa’s story goes like this: when Jackson was arrested on child molestation charges in 2003, the sheik (and governor of Bahrain’s Southern Province in Saudi Arabia) hooked up the original man in the mirror with various fat checks for all manner of reasons ranging from Neverland Ranch utility bills to counsel costs incurred unto the singer’s legal team. Then, in 2006, the funds really started rolling in for Jackson when Al Khalifa fronted millions to sustain his lavish lifestyle—funds that, according to the sheik, were granted as an advance to be repaid when Jackson’s career stopped hitting the skids.

Jacko’s story is pretty much the opposite. Nevertheless, he either owes a lot of money to a bunch of people including Al Khalifa, or he owes it to a bunch of people not including Al Khalifa. Either way, it’s bad. Jam on.

The weekend hijacking of a supertanker and general increase in pirate activity have finally led the Indian Navy to take things into their own hands– by sending out a battleship.

In a short shootout that took place Tuesday evening about 525 kilometers southwest of Oman’s Salalah port, the Indian battleship successfully set fire and caused multiple explosions on board the Somalian’s version of the Black Pearl. Two speed boats were able to escape the fight and the mother ship itself limped away. There are unconfirmed reports of the pirate boat actually sinking. Update: Battleship!

The battle took place after repetitive request for surrender. The pirates scurried about the deck with their guns and rocket launchers; the Indian battle ship fired a couple shots and showed the pirates who’s boss. Its unclear if the pirates tried to invoke a parley.

This is great news for India. First they splatter their flag all over the moon, then take out the pirate ship everyone else was scared to fight. We’ll be watching the Bombay Stock Exchange today to see if they can pull a three-peat. Go India Go.

You remember that weekend when you were a kid and your dad wanted you to ‘help’ him build something in the garage…. but then you spent the whole time looking around while your dad swore under his breath because he had lost his tools? Well the same thing happens in space, except space tools cost a lot more.

So the story is; astronaut Heide Stefanyshyn-Piper decided to do a little work on the international space station–but it wasn’t exactly productive. First her space grease gun leaked all over her bag. Then, while trying to clean the rest of her space tools the bag slipped and floated away. Le whoops.

I don’t claim any degrees or experience in space engineering, but my uncle is a retired space engineer and that should count for something. So here is my plan: Let’s put all the space tools on little wires that allow the tools to float around when not needed and pulled in close when they are needed. Its just an idea.

I’ve included a picture to better illustrate my idea. You’re welcome NASA, we’re just trying to help.

It’s no secret that the virility of the U.S. Auto Industry has been called into question over the past few weeks. However, despite recent clashes over a potential bailout bill, the Ford Motor Company has gone a long way towards showing the world that they still have plenty of “muscle” to flex– the free-range meat eating, Kenyan distance runner, yoga-killed-creatine kind of muscle.

This week the legendary Detroit automakers revealed the 2010 version of their classic pony car, the Ford Mustang. While the design improves on that of the most recent S197 version of the signature speed demon that accounts for all makes between 2005 and 2009, designers did a wonderful job toeing the line, fixing the
problems of the past model and simultaneously creating a look that meshed both classic and contemporary sensibilities to please purists and tech fanatics alike.

No doubt threatened by the possibility of plummeting sales, Ford’s chief competitors at Pfizer will probably take a wait-and-see approach before they pour massive amounts of development dollars into
re-imagining Viagra.

Al Franken has a decent chance of passing Sen. Norm Coleman during the upcoming recount, thinks Professor Michael C. Herron of Dartmouth College.

“If someone put a gun to my head and said, ‘You have to bet,’ I would bet Franken,” Herron stated, “It won’t be a wipe-out. Two hundred votes is effectively tied. We just know that, in this case, Democrats tend to [screw up their ballots] more often [than Republicans].”

Well, we’re not pointing any guns– but on the subject of Democrats– we aren’t quite sure where that “sucky ballot skill bias” comes into play. HOWEVER (however), had the voting system in CO been like it was in Minnesota (where voters had to fill in the circle next to the name of the candidate they supported, as opposed to mark an “x” through it, or cross out names of the people they didn’t like, or circle the name of the one they did, or doodle on the parts of the ballot they didn’t really care about), we would have had SAT flashbacks and gone rogue too.

Poptart Miley Cyrus was recently the victim of an elaborate internet hoax, fooling some of her fans into believing she had been involved in a fatal drunk driving accident.

The rumors were made possible through a youtube hacking/video posting, and involved a fake message from Cyprus’ BFF and youtube costar Mandy Jiroux. The video has since been removed, and Jiroux has set the record straight on her myspace page by announcing “MILEY IS OK!! Some1 hacked our youtube account.”

While all may seem right with the world now that the truth has surfaced, Miley death rumors and potential cover up stories have begun to surface. Let this be a(nother) note to other celebrities that when you need need to score some E! time, but aren’t up for the classic panty-drop/bar-hop, nothing works like a death scare.

If you suffer from self-loathing, stay far, far away from Burlington, Vt, where average builds seem a lot more….average.

Recently named the healthiest city in America, 92% of Burlington’s population say they are in good or great health. In this magical place– where people are educated, athletic, and disproportionately young–vegan and vegetarian restaurants line the streets, and admiring one’s self in the mirror is common practice. Skiing, hiking, bicycling, and comfortable nakedness also abound in this out-of-the-way, disproportionately white mecca, which predictably has one of the nation’s lowest obesity rates.

Huntington, W.Va scored to be the unhealthiest city in the United States, making Houston, TX feel a little bit bigger better about itself.

Shares of Yahoo shot up 4% in after hours trading last night in apparent celebration of the company’s current CEO’s step down. The company’s stock has fallen from $31 in February to $11.78 as of today, largely in part to a series of unfortunate un-partnerships and non-acquisitions.

Jerry Yang, who some blame for fumbling the deal with Microsoft, then botching another with Google, will assume the position of “Chief Yahoo,” after a successor has been named– a corporate strategy role that will allow Yang to stay clear-er of trailblazing decisions. The dethroning has been described as “mutual” and “in progress for a while,” and will hopefully help the company restore stockholders dwindling faith in the color purple.

Yahoo’s chairman, Roy J. Bostock, wrote in a statement that Yahoo is “…deeply grateful to Jerry for his many contributions as C.E.O. over the past 18 months, and … pleased that he plans to stay actively involved at Yahoo as a key executive and member of the board.”

A federally sponsored study presented Monday showed that Gulf War syndrome (associated with the original Gulf War and not the popular sequel) is, in fact, a real problem, unlike the once widespread ketchup/catsup dilemma. Confirmation of this issue by a panel from the Research Advisory Committee on Gulf War Veterans’ Illnesses disproves claims of its denial made in the years subsequent to the war by the federal government, who apparently believed that symptoms were a result of the wild, fanciful imaginations of soldiers.

The illness has been found to arise as a result of exposure to toxic chemicals, as well as a drug once given to soldiers to prevent the effects of nerve gas. In deployments for which the drug was not administered, the study shows, soldiers are much less likely to show symptoms associated with Gulf War syndrome. The committee concludes the report by asking that funding for further research be granted. While this particular problem will likely be avoided in the future in light of these findings, other problems for for war veterans will remain unearthed until many years later, when a committee is formed to address the concerns of distressed family members.

Former fake face-puncher Brock Lesnar, put the hurt on for real this past weekend at UFC 91 in Sin City. The 31 year-old ex-King of The WWE Ring took on and took out UFC legend Randy “Haute” Couture, fourteen years his senior, to be crowned (or belted) the Heavyweight Champion of the Ultimate Fighting world.

The latest grappling guru, who retired from scripted violence in 2004 to try out for the NFL only to learn that he couldn’t tackle people without his shirt on, needed only two rounds to dispose of his formidable opponent via a TKO. By all indications the new champ captured the title without resorting to the use of a foreign object or “the camel clutch.” He did, however, take advantage of his mixed martial arts training to administer a steady diet of fists and knees to his opponent’s face.

Lesnar’s ascension to the throne of ultra-violence comes just nine months after his debut match, a loss to Frank Mir at UFC 81. His short brawling career could quickly come full circle as his next opponent will be the winner of the Frank Mir-Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira fight at UFC 92 in December. That puts his likely title defense some time in the first half of 2009, leaving him an ample amount of weeks to practice hitting things and people.

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